I don’t think Mike and I ever planned on having to deal with the death of one of out children ever. Even in marriage, I was the one that made most of the decisions for our children. After our divorce, I still did although I asked his opinion. Doesn’t mean I ever took it, but I asked for it. Then, our first-born son, Richie, passed away.
I have been reflecting lately on my entire life with my children. I realize that I have always been the parent that jumps in and takes care of the problems, worries and for the most part babied them. Mike was the one that tried to give the life lessons and discipline. Even divorced, it worked for us. I have even realized that a lot of times, I maybe told him how things were going to work for them and he agreed even if he didn’t really. I never really stepped back to consider his opinion or feelings.
Now, I find myself wanting to make sure he is 100% happy with everything. It is hard because the Mom in me just wants to do it and not have anyone question me. See, I am a stubborn, hardheaded Momma. I have always felt that I brought them in the word, they are mine. But now, I make sure he is okay with this at the cemetery or that for how I handle our son’s business. Does he want to go with us here or does he think we should have this or that? Thank God above that he has a wife that I love and can talk to. Most things I talk with her about so she can go back to him.
I guess what I am saying is this is hard! And it sucks! Part of me wants to just take my son and be the one that tends to him in death like I did in life. I want him to be all mine and no one else’s. But that is not only selfish but not what Richie would want. He would be hanging his head shaking it like he used to when I upset him.
There is a bigger part of me though that now takes a step back and thinks about his Dad. Would he like this? Is he ready to do this? Does he have a way he wants to do it? And most of all, I worry about him. I worry if he is going to find his way. It is hard and I am still trying to find my way. I hate how his eyes now have a look of sadness even when our other kids are making us all laugh.
It is really sad how it took the death of our child for me to have a more compassion for him. I will try to let him in more with the decisions I make for the other two. I will consider his feelings. But most of all, I want to tell him I am sorry for not considering him more when it counted. When our son was alive. And to to apologize for sometimes being that witch of an ex-wife who did what she wanted with the kids when she wanted. I hope he knows that this will be hard for me because I am as stubborn as they come!