Would I have been doing this if my son hadn’t died?

Yesterday I spent the day with Jeff. I played hooky from church and just enjoyed him all day. We went over to Jeff and Tina’s for lunch and had a wonderful time. Laughing, watching the kids and making plans for the summer. Then we left to run our errands. And downhill went the thoughts in my head.

When Richie passed away, we were sent the usual potted plants that people send out of respect. Well, they have started to outgrow the pots they are in. Jeff and I went to get more pots and soil and then it struck me……. If my son hadn’t died would I be on that aisle, looking at that pot wondering if it was the right size or color? What would I have been doing that afternoon? I would probably have still been at Tina’s instead of there. That one question that popped in my head stuck with me all day. Even when ordering supper that night. Would I have only ordered this much or more? I know I wouldn’t have spent yesterday finishing up business from the funeral. When I start supper later what would I have made for Richie since he doesn’t like lima beans and fried okra like the rest of us?

Since Sunday afternoon, every single thing I have done, I ask my self the same question. What would I really be doing right now if my Richie was still here? I know one thing, I wouldn’t feel like my heart has been broke, my mind wouldn’t be jumbled and my life would be the same boring, wonderful, normal way it was almost 5 months ago. But still what would I be doing?



5 thoughts on “Would I have been doing this if my son hadn’t died?

  1. You are being so hard on your self! Be kind, instead. There are times that wondering that can help move your grief forward, but be careful that you dont get stuck in marking things ‘before’ and ‘after’. I wrote about my broken heart here:
    Please know how much people love you and that your grief doesnt need to be held by you alone. Share it and people will help you know that it is all ok to feel this way.

  2. Seth's Momma says:

    The longing for the way it was is unbearable. I have found reading has helped me understand that it’s ok to feel the way I feel. The shifting and changing of thoughts is frightening. I have made a garden on my back porch with all the beautiful plants we received in loving memory of our son Seth. I am sending you love and hugs and wishing you a peaceful day.

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