I slept horrible last night and was in a horrible way this morning. I had sat down to start a post on how I was angry at the world. While writing it, I received a call from my new friend Debbie. What she had to say was what I had been needing and wanting. So now, that entry is saved for me to finish on a day when I am angry again and you will get this one.
Since, I lost my son, I have paid a lot more attention to the way things happen in my life. I used to take events, people and life around me for granted. Now, I put more thought into it. Here is what I have learned. The things I need most come in God’s time. Not mine. This has been rough for me learning to live without my son. I have replayed every moment of 20 years of life with him. I have replayed the months before his death. I have replayed all the events after his death. Since his death, I have had days were I am just wanting to throw in the towel. Just get in my bed and not come out until I feel like it, if ever. Every single time I have decided to do that, God brings something to me. Whether it be a letter from one of the recipients. A sermon or bible study from Brother Charles that hits home. A family member needing my help. One of our many children, family members or friends needing something and me running off to help. A verse that jumps out at me when I open the Bible to a random page. Or it be a text or a phone call that just brightens my day. Sometimes it is the red bird that has taken up residence here since the day of my son’s passing. Here lately it is good news from people I have never met that brings me out of depression. No matter what it is or where it comes from, it comes in GOD’S time.
I know that I will still have worries and sadness, but I am slowly not afraid of them anymore. I am no longer trapped by the feeling of this unbearable weight on my chest. While I worry and feel deep sorrow, God will give me the answers I need when he knows I need them most. Or when I am ready to receive them and can open my heart enough to fully appreciate them. No matter when they come, or how they come, I always make sure that I praise the Lord above for sending them. I just hate and regret that it took my son leaving this Earth for me to open my eyes to the things around me. And most importantly, the power of God.
Behold, your house is forsaken (abandoned, left to you destitute of God’s help)! And I tell you, you will not see Me again until the time comes when you shall say, Blessed (to be celebrated with praises) is He Who comes in the name of the Lord! Luke 13:35