We are moving! Bigger house, more land, out in the country and right down the road from some of my favorite cousins! Some have asked,”Are you excited for this change?” Well….. since you asked…..
I have said since about 2 or 3 weeks after Richie passed away that I definitely wanted to move. I couldn’t keep watching the door at certain times of the day for Richie to walk in. Or to not hear him in the next room with the other kids. I felt like the house was pushing me down. Everywhere I turned I could see him. So Jeff said we would move, whatever I wanted to do to help me cope.
Well, we now have a house. And it’s perfect for us. I couldn’t pack fast enough. Then came the time to start moving our stuff. The more stuff we take out of the other house and bring into this one, the worse I feel. I feel guilty, I feel like I am abandoning my child. How can I leave the last place he was with me? How can I leave the last place he told me he loved me in? The last place where he laughed? I feel like the worst mother ever! Not only because I feel that way, but because it is not fair to my 2 living children for me to hold us back with my grief and not do what is best for them.
So see, I am conflicted, confused and just plain tired. Leaving old memories and starting new ones. New ones that are less a child but filled with 2. Since you asked, I am at war with myself. I don’t know whether to smile or cry. I don’t know whether to laugh or scream. And I most certainly don’t know what to do with myself now that I am grieving a new kind of grief, a different stage, a different feeling and a different life. So for now, while I can’t sleep, I will unpack more boxes and cry a million more tears. Please, don’t ask me how I feel about this move right now.
Broken Mothers Club 
My husband and I moved to another house four months after our son passed. It is a different situation since my son was an adult and not living with us but he and his little family would visit often. It was a house built in 1849 that my husband and I renovated to have as a B&B. My son loved it. But, with that said….it is the house where I heard that last fateful call that told us the tragic news we wish we had never known. It was not, however, the reason we sold and moved…for many reasons we had our house on the market before our son passed. It just so happened to sell a few weeks after he died.
Packing had its own sadness. My heart cried with each piece of memorabilia I had saved over the years of my youngest and only son. It took a long time to pack because of the emotions taking over. I know your conflicted emotions about moving…the newness you want to embrace but the ‘oldness’ that won’t let go of your heart….perhaps you can look at it as moving from the sadness and entering a newer happier phase for the sake of your other children….as you already stated, ” New ones that are less a child but filled with 2.”…. You will be taking Richie with you in so many ways. He will not be left behind.
War with yourself is an excellent way to describe how grief takes over and battles inside your already wounded heart each day. I pray that there will be peace soon as you prepare to make changes. It is not an easy passage, my friend. God bless you and your family.
It is definitely a war within ourselves. I pray for you also.
Punkin you are a very strong person and you can think bout your move this way Richie would want you to be Happy and if moving will help you with this then that is what you need to do and I know he will be by your side through this change. I pray the God will give you the strength you need to make it through all of this. Love your friend Tracey Johnston
Thank you, prayers are the best gift for me right now.
Amy collapsed in our home which maybe in some way was a blessing for her but our home will never hold the same peace. She also still lived at home so there is now a room which was filled with so much life and is now screaming with the reminder of what happened. I have only been in her room a few times. I would like to move but have no idea how I would ever pack up her room. It’s all so complicated. I wish you peace in your new home.