MY Testimony

As many in my personal life know, I have found my way back to God and the church. I have been given mixed responses to this. Most have given me praise and support. Then there are the others that have said, “Well, she lost her son so she has decided to be a christian.” Then others that have said, “This won’t last, it is a band-aid for her right now.” Then others who just flat out tell me that “church” is not going to bring Richie back. I at first was hurt by all the naysayers and then I thought, “It is your fault they are reacting this way.” They are just seeing me going to church and that is all. I should have been sharing my testimony, my journey and inviting them to join me. So here it is. Be patient with me, I am new to this part.

All my life I have been in and out of church. My Granny taking me is my earliest memory. My Aunt Debbie always had me tagging along with her. Uncle Jimmy always made sure I was there and even gave me my first bible. (I still have it by the way.) Pastor Mark lived right next door to us and we always piled into the back of his station wagon every Sunday and Wednesday to go with him and his family. As a teenager, I went with my friends and their families to church. I was even saved in December 1991 at Callie Fuller Baptist Church after Mr. Grady gave a sermon that made me tingle and cry all at the same time. I felt almost like I was floating to the altar that day. Before I knew it, I was on my knees at the altar, praying for God to forgive me and lead me for the rest of my life.

After high school, I moved away and got married. I had my three children and went about my life. My husband then and I had our children in and out of church. I never really made it a priority but always read them stories from a little children’s bible. Yes, I know that this was not the same as church. Lemme finish. After my divorce, I met and remarried Jeff. I still had my children in and out of church, I even joined a church for a while and became active in youth and such. My husband rarely went with us so it was easy to have excuses not to go. Then we moved back home and I used the excuse of needing to find a new home church. I went with my Aunt here and there to my Uncle’s church. Then we both used the excuse of the drive was too far. I also used the excuse of it being the only day I could really spend with my husband because he worked the rest of the week.

While making my excuses, I felt that my lax habit of reading my bible was enough. I was reading it when I felt I had time but in reality, I was only reading it when I remembered. Someone would invite us to church, I would say simply we had plans or that my husband didn’t believe in the idea of church. He doesn’t. He had a bad experience with church and now has turned his back on the whole idea. He says he believes in God just not the church. So, in my own way, I took on his feelings and through my lack of want, I failed to go to church anymore. (Please know that I am not blaming my husband. I am not. It is completely my fault I have backslid) My children however, still attended with their friends every week.

So now that you know the before December 2013 story, let’s get to how I came to realize my wrongs and how I am making them right. When my son had his accident, I started praying. I prayed hard. Very hard. I made every deal with God I could. We had a whole county of people praying, thousands of people praying. Then my son died. My prayers as his Mom failed. I went through the motions the week following, visitors, listening to people pray for us, the funeral and all that jazz. People would ask what we needed and I would just say prayers. But guess what I failed to do during that time? I failed to pray. After God didn’t help my son, I quit praying. Oh, I still talked to God. It was more of a “Why God did you do this to my son?” “Why God did you do this to my family, my children, his friends?” “Why God did you chose to take this young man who was so loving, so kind and honorable away from this world?” “What purpose could you have for this?” I was not praying to God, I was questioning him. The only thought that kept me from completely revoking God at all was the fact that maybe the people Richie saved with his gift of life after his death was the reason. But even with that thought, I was still angry! Very, very angry.

That anger kept building and building. I was a ticking time bomb. My Aunt kept telling me that if I kept on God would show me his power. My answer to her was, “What more could he do?” She said lots and I better start being a little more thankful instead of hateful. All this made me do was quit talking to her about some things. Worked like a charm. She thought I was getting better and hushed. The anger, pain and anguish just kept building. I am going to be completely honest with you all, had it not been for my two living children and Krista, I would not be here today. My sister who had lost a child at birth, told me that the thought of suicide would come when I least expected it to and it would come on the darkest of days. I kept telling her that thought wouldn’t come to me. I knew better. Not only did I have my children here but I was raised and believe that if I kill myself, I will not see my heavenly family. She was right, the thought does come. I thought one day while driving that if I just let my car run off the edge of the steep embankment that people would just assume it was an accident. What if I just slightly veered and see what it does? If I died, it could be seen by God as an accident right? My family would certainly think that and not have to live with the thought that Mommy had committed suicide. If I lived then God had a purpose for me right? But the thought of my family living without me and their brother too was just too much for me to bear. I could not be the cause of any more pain for them. I have never told anyone at all until now that I had those thoughts. As I said, I am being fully honest. I am sorry Sister for not being open with you then and turning to you when I had the thoughts.

So I kept putting on a strong front for everyone. Waiting each day for everyone to leave for school and work so that I could be lost in my anger and grief all day. I quit going to my Aunt’s, I made excuses not to do anything. I went to my room at night as soon as I could so I could be alone. It all just kept bubbling and boiling inside me. My prayers were no longer of thanks. They were of whys and show mes. They were angry. They were mean. Then one morning, a very stressful morning, I screamed at God to show me something. He did. I got a letter I had been waiting for. The one of who all Richie had helped. But it still wasn’t enough. I was then praying for the health of these people and then I went into the whys again.

My friend Lisa asked me if I wanted to join a diet group at church with her. I very uneasily said yes. I went to what I thought was going to be a diet group and turns out, bible study was before the group. I sat there, listening. I was not happy about being stuck there listening about the great and powerful God when I was so mad at him. But I was raised not to be rude. I went through the motions with a smile on my face. I would not be back. I would read the diet book but not be back. Well, this stupid diet book led to me walking with Lisa and another lady from church. That book led to me opening up to them on some things. Not to mention, that book had a lot of things in it for the mental health of people, not just the physical. So I went back to Wednesday night bible study. I even started going to church on Sunday mornings. I started listening to my heart more and not my hurt. Do not get me wrong, I was still angry with God, VERY angry with God.

The pastor at the church I attend is also my cousin. I went into church on Wednesday March 19th. I had decided that when bible study was over, that he and I were gonna go into one of the Sunday school rooms and I was gonna lay out all my questions for him. I had not only extreme anger at God but also extreme guilt. I felt that this was my fault Richie was gone. I was also not going to let Charles just get by with giving me the “preacher” answers like most do. You know where they spit bible verses and hellfire and brimstone at you. He was family and my pastor so he was about to get the full Roper/Williamson mouth experience from me. Well, we went in the room. I sat directly across from him. I then let it spill out. Like a mad volcano. Did this happen because God was mad at me for not being faithful to him in my life? Did he take my son to punish me? Did God take my son to teach me a lesson for praying a little extra harder for my daredevil child and not praying equally for all three? Why did he take my son instead of the drug addict in the next room that was refusing help so he could go get high again? Why my son?????????? So I got all the questions out in my anger and tears running down my face. I looked at Charles waiting for his answer. I was mad, broken and lost. He had better say something to really profound or life changing to get me to change my mind. You know what he did? He just looked at me and said,”God is love. He did not take Richie to punish you.” He then went on to explain how Richie had a purpose here and it was filled. He had to go back to his original home. He explained that each and everyone of us are from God and only here for the time he sets for us. My children were basically loaned to me from God. I may get my whole lifetime with them and like Richie, I may not. He said a lot more but that is for me to treasure right now. I took his words and listened and then we prayed. I felt better but I still had some anger. Then came March 26th.

I woke up that morning defeated. I screamed at God that morning that if he couldn’t show me something, I was done! Show me one little bitty thing! One little bit of good that had come out of this tragedy! The only reason I had to get up that day was to watch a little boy I keep and to send some emails for my husband. I was done. I had given up. I decided that when I was done with the emails, I was going to call the little boy’s Mom to come get him. I was going to tell her to make other arrangements for the days she worked. I was going to call Angie and tell her that after that day, I was not going to get Krista anymore. I was going to call the kid’s Dad and tell him it was his turn. He had to let them live with him. I was going to send a mass text to all friends and family and tell them to leave me completely alone until further notice. I was going to tell my husband that I was getting in the bed and not coming out until I felt like it and if he wasn’t okay with it, he could leave. I even debated calling my Uncle in North Carolina and seeing if I could stay in his extra room and not come out. But I knew he would “preach” at me. So I sent Jeff’s emails. I then emailed our contact at LifeLink and sent her the letters to the recipients of Richie’s gifts. She sent one back asking how I was doing. I then told her I was done. Then as I was about to close the computer, I heard a ding. It was her telling me she had just at that very moment received a letter from the man who got Richie’s heart. I immediately started sobbing these huge gut wrenching sobs. Was this an answer? Not sure what lead me to the next move I made but I started reading 2 Corinthians 4. It was an eye opener. Then I saw it. 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. This led onto 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. There was what I was waiting on. God had answered it in his timing. I am going to be honest with you, I then went in an instant from being angry to being scared. I dropped to my knees and I thanked him. I asked for forgiveness. I prayed the truest and most sincere prayer of my life. I made my way back to Jesus. He had answered me when I was ready to listen.

I went to bible study that night and near the end, we give praise reports and prayer requests. I shared with this group my praise report. The way I was “worked” on by God. I then asked that they pray for me so that I continue to have faith. The following Sunday, I went to the altar and I asked God on my knees once again to forgive me. I prayed for my son that is with him. I prayed for my family and friends to come to him. I simply prayed.

I am sharing my testimony because I have had a revelation of sorts this past few weeks. And it hit me after having lunch with my best friend Sunday. I may be happy in my faith but I am not true to it until I share it. I cannot simply pray for God to help my husband, children, family and friends to know him unless I also share the Word with them. I have failed God and them on that. Last night I hardly slept a wink and when I did, it was fitful. I was up before the alarm this morning with an urge to write and share. I prayed for God to work through my fingers and let me do it in the best way for him.  I am not honoring my commitment to God by not witnessing and testifying.

I am by far a perfect person. I am by far a perfect christian. One of the greatest things I have learned from my Pastor is that we are all of a sinful nature and no one is perfect. I still have days where I want to argue with God. I have days where the Williamson/Roper temper comes out like a rabid tornado. I have days where I cuss like a sailor if something doesn’t go right. I have days where I don’t have patience, kindness, love and understanding when I should. I still have many days where I want to have self-pity. But you know what? Those days are becoming less and less as I study my Bible, attend church and turn to church family and friends when I am needing help. Yes, I, Belinda the stubborn, have asked for help.

I want to ask you all now, if you are saved? Have you accepted Jesus? If you died at this very moment, are you secure with where you are going? Are you going to see Jesus, Richie, Granny, Grandpa and all those before us? If you are not, I urge you to. I invite each and every one of you to attend church with Callie Fuller Baptist. Or any church you chose for that matter. Talk to me, a loved one, a friend or a pastor. Ask them to pray with you. I will pray for everyone that this reaches and then some that it will do what the Lord wills.

I am not perfect and never will be. But with God’s love and understanding, I will be what he wants me to be. And in the end, in my heavenly home, I will be perfect. I know where I am going. Do you?