You Really Wanna Know Mr. Osteen?

I keep getting asked how I am doing. I guess people think that because we are about to hit 18 months into the grief journey that things are just peaches and cream, rainbows and pots of gold. I am actually quite the opposite. I haven’t written on it because I have been trying to sort out this mind of mine that seems to be getting more frantic and loud. But after reading an article a fellow blogger shared about Joel Osteen’s views on grief, I had to share. Osteen believes that after a certain amount of time that grievers are only wanting pity. Well, Mr. Osteen, here is my response.

I am 18 months in this new life that God has dealt me. For 18 months, I have made sure to put others before myself. My children rarely see me cry. I make sure that each day they are not living in the shadow of their brother’s death. My husband and I have struggled to keep this family that was 5 and now 4 as normal as possible. We have struggled to keep our marriage strong when we have no words to ease each others pain and are lost as to how to be partners when our life is broken. I have to the best of my ability, and often failed, tried to keep up appearances at family events. I have tried to go to parties for other people’s children. I went back to keeping children one month after the death of my son. I never missed a school event with my daughter. I made sure my living son knew he was just as important to me as my angel son. If I was asked to do something, I 97% of the time did it. The other 3% I just mentally couldn’t. I never quit putting others before myself. I never said no when asked to do something for the church. I have smiled and tried my best to keep up a sense of the old life I had while trying to learn this new life. I will admit, I failed a lot. I failed my husband numerous times. I have even failed my children. I have horribly failed my sisters and mother. But I did the best I could to try to keep the hurt, sorrow, pain, and aching I felt to myself and not lay it on the shoulders of others.

So Mr. Osteen, do you really wanna know where I am at today in my grief? I am worse off today than I was the second the doctor’s gave me a time of death. I am worse off than the day we put my boy in his grave. In fact, 18 months of faking it and trying to be strong has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I spend most nights tossing and turning. Releasing a days worth of built up tears. I do not want to attend any family events at all because my family is the broken link. I spend most days waiting on the clock to strike 5 so that kids go home and I can start my new rituals. What new rituals you ask? Well, Joel, can I call you Joel? I used to be very OCD about my house and life. The birth of my children’s half sister quickly let me see that this curly haired little toddler was winning the battle of messes. Now the OCD is back and I have the belief that if my house is spotless nothing tragic will happen to us again. My house was a little messy when we got the call of Richie’s accident. In fact, everything bad that has directly happened to us has come at a time when the house was a little untidy. I have been cleaning the house completely. Each room has been getting a deep cleaning. I dread having to get up in the mornings to take care of others. Nothing to do with them, I just can some days barely guide myself much less others. I hate answering the phone. People start conversations with “how are you?” I text very few people. Only the ones I can be real with get them. (A very short list) I am no longer the one at church that speaks to every single person. I sometimes fake reading something so that I do not have to socialize on Sunday mornings. I am exhausted by the end of Wednesday night Bible study because I have to fake happy on the bad days. I do not watch the news because it sends me into a tailspin of PTSD. I hate FaceBook because people seem to not understand that seeing wrecked cars and kids in the hospital bring back images that haunt me every single day. The sound of a train horn makes my heart leap into my throat. I only watch movies after they have been cleared by others for my broken mind to watch. TV holds little interest for me. The Travel channel is safe I have found. I hate 6:44pm on Sundays and the 29th of every single month. I feel as if I have won the lottery if I make it to 3:30pm on the 30th or a Monday and my living children are still living. I cannot eat chicken, mashed potatoes and corn in the same meal. Tried once and had almost had a nervous breakdown. I have started panicking about where my deceased son’s belongings are. Even though I know they are safely packed away in my guest room, I still have to go see they are there. I do this numerous times a day. It is all I have left that is tangible of him. I now get up numerous times to see if my living children are still breathing as they sleep. (They are 18 & 20.) A scratch on one of them has me thinking that the limb will be amputated and they will die. I text them constantly to see if they are safe. I text their friends if I do not get a timely response. I hate leaving the house other than once a week grocery shopping and church. I have certain things that we can not do on Sundays because if we do, one of my children will die. I am failing as a friend to the ones that are closest to me. I can’t remember when I last wished someone Happy Birthday when I was the one that was always the first. I cannot concentrate on tasks that are dear to me. I start projects and quickly lose interest.I spend some days pretending so convincingly to myself that Richie will be coming home that afternoon that by 4pm I feel like I lost him all over again. Sometimes I think that I put myself back into shock just to shut my mind off.

Even worst than the mental effects is the physical ones. I constantly have stress and tension migraines. I break out in bumps and itch like crazy if one thing starts getting out of the “new normal” I am enclosing myself in. I feel tired all the time but cannot sleep. And the absolute most terrible thing…. My heart constantly feels like it is constricting. It literally hurts all day every day. I believe my heart broke the day they told me Richie had passed. Since then I can feel it 24 hours a day. You really never know your heart is there until you experience a loss so gut-wrenching that you cannot even fathom it until days later. Then you are fully aware of its every beat. Every bloody thump against your chest feels like you are being stabbed. Do you understand the heart hurt Mr. Osteen? I am constantly on high alert, waiting on the next terrible thing to happen so my muscles are always sore. My nerves twitch. I have developed little ticks of nervousness. Some others never notice. I just feel like I am always in pain yet have no sickness.

Mr. Osteen, I have done it your way. I have not asked for self pity. I have hated conversations that revolve around me and my loss. I have put others first. I have not wallowed in my pain shutting myself off from the world. Where has it gotten me? It has gotten me no where. I am worse off than I was 18 months ago. I took care of everyone else and did not take any time for myself. So what am I to do now? Do I tell others that I need time now all this time later to be alone and grieve with no responsibilities? Do I continue doing what I am doing and hope it gets better? Quite a predicament I am in. There is no time limit on grief. Some parents lose a child and have another in a year later. Some can never imagine another child in their home. A wife can lose her husband and marry 6 months later. A husband can lose his wife of 60 years and pass away silently that night in his sleep from a broken heart. There is no book on grief. I hate the self-help crap people have been sending me. It would help to shove it up their wazoos. (I forgot to add the part about my quick temper being even quicker.) So please, Mr. Osteen, what do I do now that the way you wrote about does not work? You can email me your answer at mrsjschell@gmail.com. I will be awaiting your response.

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9 thoughts on “You Really Wanna Know Mr. Osteen?

  1. This was like reading a mirror image of my life. The daily rituals that I have to maintain because somehow if I don’t it will upset what little balance I have managed to obtain. I’m 6 months on from losing my little boy and I am desperately sorry you have lost yours too, you are right, even now after only 6 months, people ask you ‘how are you?’ fully expecting the answer to now be, yeah i’m ok, when actually they couldn’t handle the real answer if they tried.

    Sending love and prayers to you. Keep writing as I do.

    • Thank you. I fear my rituals are getting worse. I got back up 6 times last night to make sure the hand towel in the master bath was not crooked. Failure to this was, when I got up each time, I had to potty, then wash hands and repeat cycle. Makes for a long night. I am hear if you ever need to talk privately, mrsjschell@gmail.com. do not hesitate. Many prayers my friend!

  2. Zachary's Mom says:

    Belinda!
    You are being to hard on yourself. You were more excited about my birthday than I was. You had a card for everyday for the week of my birthday! You wished me Happy Birthday so many times I lost count. Lol
    Joel Osteen knows nothing about this subject nor does anyone else that hasn’t walked in our shoes. So don’t listen to him on that subject. I understand your feelings! Just remember where our boys are and with the Supreme Court ruling today, we may be seeing them sooner than we think! Hang on friend better times are coming.
    You are a very giving person. Take time for yourself too. Don’t worry what others think.

  3. Krista says:

    I unexpectedly lost my youngest child a year ago next week. It still seems surreal. Our lives have been shattered, and I think that the physical and mental toll of trying to piece it back together for the rest of our families will last much longer than we could ever imagine. On top of that, while we struggle to keep our surviving family intact, others force us to put on the strong and brave mom face so they aren’t made to feel uncomfortable. Weed the garden and get rid of those that make you feel like you gave to hide your grief. I’ve started to do it and believe me I am sad that some people didn’t make the cut, but I also have found relief from dealing with those that just want you to pretend life is just like it was before
    My therapist told me last week to prepare myself because in her experience the second year is even harder. I can’t imagine it being harder, but based on what your saying and what others have hold me she’s right.
    The world has moved on and expect us to as well.
    Be gentle with yourself. As I told a group of AJs 13 year old friends recently, it’s okay to cry, it makes room in our soul for the joy that our children (their friend) would want us to remember them with.
    Peace

    • Zachary's Mom says:

      Krista,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. I have just began my second year this past May 30th. The pain is still there maybe not as raw…well sometimes it is. Zachary was our only child. We still wonder what we are supposed to do now.
      Some of our friends stay away. Some still don’t know what to say.
      Zachary trusted Jesus as his savior at 12 years old, so we know he’s in heaven. That is a comfort.
      The world does move on….as much as I would like it to stop for a while!
      We do need to be gentle with ourselves.
      Our lives are forever changed.
      I wish you peace and strength to be there for your other children. I’m sure that is hard as well.

      • I am sorry you are in this journey also. If the year mark is approaching you have conquered all the firsts. This next week you need to take time to breathe. And as Tonya said, it is not as raw in the second year but the missing them never lessens and at times seems as if it will crush you. Harsh but honest. You can email me anytime you need to talk, mrsjschell@gmail.com. I am always here. I will pray for you and all us broken moms. Much love

    • I am sorry you are in this journey also. If the year mark is approaching you have conquered all the firsts. This next week you need to take time to breathe. And as Tonya said, it is not as raw in the second year but the missing them never lessens and at times seems as if it will crush you. Harsh but honest. You can email me anytime you need to talk, mrsjschell@gmail.com. I am always here. I will pray for you and all us broken moms. Much love

    • lily says:

      I agree with you. Our hearts have been shattered and we must do as you say. I am so very very sorry for the pain and agony you have losing your youngest child. Osteen does not care or he would not have said that we want to be noticed more because of our yearning? I tried to call Osteen twice and both times they disconnected me. I have no answer. My daughter died from lupus the day after her 23rd birthday. Her youngest sister shares the same birthdate, six years apart. My only hope is that I get to see my daughter again. Thank you so very much. I never wanted to be here but our child died and I cannot stand it when others do not recognize the severity of how we must now live our lives ❤

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