From broken to shattered

I haven’t posted in a while because I thought my brokenness was healing as much as possible. In 2017, we welcomed our first grandson, Preston James Nelson! What a beautiful life we were blessed with. God had sent us this little angel because he knew this family was sinking under the pressure of losing Richie. He quickly became known as Peanut, Lil Buddy, Stinky, James Leroy and many other names. He didn’t even know to respond to Preston. I became a Granny, Jeff a Grandpa, Luke became an uncle. Our life was coming out of the darkness for the first time in 4 years!

I often felt as if there was any way the cracks in my heart were going to heal it would be because of this sweet boy. I didn’t cry as much. And when I did cry it was because Preston was missing out on his Uncle Richie not me. My mourning went in a different direction. I mourned for the loss of what an amazing uncle he would have been. Savannah was the best Mom! She doted on him and made sure everything was just perfect for him. She gave him Richie’s middle name so he would have a piece of him always. Luke, my Luke, became the Uncle every boy should have. Preston was in the yard getting dirty before he could walk. Luke was his hero! If you could have seen the way Preston got so excited when he heard Jeff come home each day! His little feet would go so fast they never even moved. This baby healed our family. We laughed now! Our how was noisy!!! Our house was scattered from one end to the other with toys! Pure Joy!!!

I can not describe or even begin to explain the joy and pride I had as a Granny. It is all I ever wanted to be in life was to be like my own Granny. And now by the grace of the Lord Almighty I was!

I say was because on October 15th, my sweet little Peanut was murdered. For reasons I am not even sure of (investigation still pending), the last of my heart was completely shattered beyond any repair. I watched my daughter go through a pain that I knew all too well. I could not save her from this tragic heartbreak and pain. I could not save my own son and now my grandson. Talk about feeling like a three strike failure. The only thing worse than watching your own son die is to watch your daughter watch hers die. Watching and knowing there is nothing you can do but hold her hand and watch.

At 8:23 pm on October 16, Preston was pronounced. October 16, what was his Uncle Luke’s birthday. A day that I was supposed to be watching Luke and his Little Buddy eating cake, riding on the Polaris and pretending to hunt.

Why God Why!!!!????? Why our family again? And to lose a 21 month old to murder?! I have been walking around scared to even try to comprehend any of this. Do I want to know the answers? Yet can I live without the answers? I feel as if there is a belt around my heart that keeps getting tighter and tighter each day. I pray. I thank the Lord for the time I had. Bless the Lord’s heart, he must think I am the most messed up minded person he ever made. (I hope he broke the mold after he made me) I cry, scream, question, praise, thank, rejoice and show every emotion in one prayer multiple times a day. I just cannot even begin to understand any of this. Why Preston who was the most happy toddler in the world? Everyone that met him became instantly in love with him.

So now I am a broken Mother, a broken Granny and just broken. Please pray for our family as we make sense of this tragedy. God Bless you all.

11 thoughts on “From broken to shattered

  1. Terri says:

    My heart breaks for all of you. He’s with Richie now, they celebrated his birthday together. Prayers for comfort and peace. Sending love n hugs.

  2. JoAnn says:

    Belinda – I think of you all everyday .
    All I can think to say is that he is definitely in the arms of Jesus . Not in this cruel hateful world that we can’t even begin to understand how things like this happen .
    Prayers and hugs !

  3. Anonymous says:

    Blessed are they that mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

    Belinda, the English language has no word for the parents/grandparents who are left behind when a child dies. Our language is unprepared for this. It goes against everything natural. You may feel life will never again hold joy or hope. Just when you are getting a handle on life again, (because of everything you have gone through) you become overwhelmed with sorrow, guilt, depression…all kinds of emotions. Your own grief is unique because the bond you shared with “peanut” was all your own. God understands when no one else does. Time goes by, but your grief is still there and people won’t know how to help you. They want you to be the person you use to be, but moving on makes you feel like you are leaving them behind and you feel you will never be the same. But the Lord knows you have a purpose, I am praying he will reveal that purpose to you. I am praying you will have the strength to place your grief in his hands. Depend on him. HE knows how you feel because his son also died. Belinda I think about you a lot, and I will continue to pray for you and your family. I wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you it’s going to be okay, but the truth is, you aren’t going to feel better….until you do. I don’t know what happened to that sweet little man, but my heart aches for you. If I can ever do anything for you, even if it’s just listening…please reach out to me. I love you

    Linda Lagano

    • Thank you Linda. You and I know all to well the sting of death. I pray for you also. I believe God has a plan for us. In time it will be revealed. I pray for you too my dear friend! I love you

  4. Lesley Thurman says:

    Belinda – I think of you all each day not a day goes by that my heart dont ache i ask god to heal and give you all the strength needed as well as the many queations you all have. I love you.

  5. Hope Cook says:

    Sweet family, we mourn with you because we know what you have went through and cannot imagine what you have been through. We love you and know even though these words are empty that we love you and are here for you.

  6. Melanie Jarrell says:

    My heart breaks for you all. I grieve for this horrible pain you’re experiencing. I wonder how you keep going. I helplessly try to think of something—anything—I can say or do to help ease your pain. There’s nothing humanly possible that can be done. It can ONLY come from God. I do pray for you all, and I commit to pray for you continually. I offer you my love and friendship, a listening ear.

  7. Amanda Colvin says:

    My prayers are with you and your family. I’m so sorry. Preston is his own hero. That smile always made my day better. I will help in anyway I ever can

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