Year 2 Review

First, let me say this…. To the people that said year two would be easier, you can go suck an egg. A rotten egg. Because truth is, year two is worse. A lot worse.

Year one we were spending it in shock and getting used to the fact that our son was not going to walk through the door ever again. We were so determined to be strong for our living children and give them a “normal” life that we put all of our emotions on the back burner. Stored them up for a later date. And while we accomplished giving them as best of this “normal” life as we could, we lost a little bit of our lives.

We entered year two with a fire that we were going to do all things different this year. We would live and laugh and remember our son with smiles and make new memories. That fire quickly was doused with all the tears that had been put up out of the way in year one. The strength that I had been leaning on faded away and faith is the only thing that kept me standing. Many days have been spent in the bed crying watching the clock. I had gotten really good at knowing how long it would take for me get my face to unpuff and go back to its normal hue and just how many cold rags it would take. I have figured out how long I can stay awake crying at night and still be able to get enough sleep to function for the family. I only thought I had mastered the face of strength and poise last year. this second year, I deserve an academy award.

Life did not stop at all this year for one second and give us a chance to breathe. One thing after another. Small things, big things, teenage troubles that made us want to pull our hair out, car troubles, loss of some dear ones, money troubles, health scares with my Mom and all this while trying to repair what death has done to my marriage. (more on the marriage later)

We did have our moments that we were overly blessed with. We met the man that has my son’s heart. Lance came and we showed him the town we raised our son and he got to meet Richie’s family and friends.  We met a young lady that can now run because of his gift. We were able to travel and watch Morgan graduate college. I was baptized! Richie’s best friend is married now and expecting a blessing of his own. Mom is getting better by the day. My spiritual life while being tested almost daily is growing. I have met and made lifetime friends that are on the same road with me that I can find reasons to laugh with and cry too. I have made friends at church that give me reason to laugh daily!

Death ,however, still has its shadow over my head. It is almost like sometimes I am scared for something good to happen for fear of bad creeping in. That I am told will ease with time but never go away completely. Year two has taught me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep praying. Keep helping others. Put a smile on face even when I am a river of tears on the inside. And just keep on going. Oh, and to stock up on ice packs for the swollen teary face. Bring it on year three!

 

Dear Jeff,

Dear Jeff,
We are on the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary. 10 years! I think it is safe to say we beat the odds people gave us in the beginning. 15 years total to all the ones that doubted.
When you think about it, it says a lot of our love for each other as to how we did make it this far. We have been through things that most couples never experience or could even fathom. We have been broke, jobless, medical issues, teenage years with the kids, issues of the heart, family drama, issues of self and worst of all the loss of a child. Looking at all the statistics we have beat all odds that said we should have divorced multiple times. But through it all we know at the end of the day that the morning means nothing without each other. We can face anything that is thrown our way. We may not handle it the best way, say things that make each other mad or cry, or truthfully make us want to smack some sense into the other. But in the end, we handle it our way and go from evil looks to smiles and laughter.
The past 19 months have been the real test of us. Even after the loss, we have been thrown things that just seem unfair for us to have to even entertain our already burdened souls with. Sometimes I think God gives us these trials to show others how to stand next to each other with your head high even when you want to get under the covers and not face the day. While walking our enormously large and clumsy puppy this morning, I was thinking about tomorrow. The plans we had made didn’t work out like we wanted. We made other plans instead and didn’t even get disappointed. Rolled with even more punches. And then, while Maggie Moose was doing her large pile of stinky business,  I saw it. Right there on the septic clean out pipe. A tall dandelion standing strongly beside it with a slightly shorter broken one next it. It made me think of us for two reasons. You the tall strong one and me the broken damaged one being held up by you. Many times you have had to hold me up and keep me from falling into despair and self-pity.  Many times I have leaned on you for guidance on how to get out of life’s mud pits.
The other reason is simply, out of all life’s crap, beauty will grow. It made me think of Robert`s words on joy and happiness. We may not always have happiness in our life but we should always find the joy. So in the spot where all the crap goes, a beautiful symbol of us grew. Today’s joy was from two flowers, one tall and strong, one slightly broken, found while letting the dog poo.
I cherish the years we have had. I look forward to the years to come. We can handle the joys and heartaches thrown at us as long as we look for the flower in the poop! I love you every day!
Your wife,
B