Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

I am sorry that you lost your precious son. I am sorry that you lost a piece of your heart. I wish there was something that I could do to take your pain away but I know from the loss of my own son that it never goes away. It never gets better. It just becomes a more comfortable hurt.  A hurt that you will feel second of everyday for the rest of your life.

I want you know that it is okay to hurt. It is okay to cry, scream, yell and stay in the bed all day. People told me after my son’s funeral that the hard part was over. Little did they know that I spent that week in a daze and had no clue what was really going on. The day after the funeral when I woke up was when the hard part began. People were no longer coming around to hold my hand, to sit with me to fill my empty moments and fill the void. That day was the day that I had to figure out how to do a life sentence without my child. I had to figure out what to do when it was time for me to send the good morning text to him. What was I to do when time to cook supper? I only knew how to cook for a family of 5, We are now a family of 4. Who do I tell good night to now? So many things that I never even realized, now seemed to pile on me like I was trapped in a hole being filled with dirt. It felt like I was in that grave also with cold red Georgia dirt being shoveled on me too.

I want you to know that it is okay to be mad. Mad at God for taking your handsome man. Why did he do this? Did he not see the life he had here? The people that needed him? Me? You? Why your child? Why my child? What made them so special that you called them home before us? This was not the plan. It may have been God’s plan but it certainly wasn’t ours. It is okay to be mad at your child for leaving. Yes, it is okay and it will come. Why did they leave? Did they not fight hard enough to stay? Didn’t they look back and see us looking forward to our lifetime with them? Did they leap willingly into the light and grab the Father’s hand without a thought to all here who would miss them?

It is okay to feel guilty. Guilt it the one emotion that will creep in and catch you by surprise and bring you to your knees all while ripping your heart into bigger shreds. Guilty for words that shouldn’t have been spoken. Guilt for words that were never spoken. Guilt for a pop on the butt many many years before. Guilt for the what ifs, why nots, should haves and could haves. Guilt for being angry at them for being gone. Guilt for a smile that you let escape before thinking about it. Guilt for laughing a friend’s joke. For me, Guilt has been the worst of them all. I feel it everyday no matter how great of a mom I think I was to him. You will feel this way because he is not here to tell you it is okay. People can tell you that it is just another cross to bear that we should lay down, but I know we can’t.

It is okay, my friend, to tell people to leave you alone. To tell them to bugger off. We need time alone to process our feelings. To learn this new life and how to walk it. You are not expected to hold court and entertain the masses so that they feel better. This is your time. If you want people around then let them in, when ready for them to leave, throw them out.

It is okay to be overwhelmed. The pain of a mother that has lost a child is unbearable. The pain of a mother that has other living children and grandchildren to guide through this is especially unbearable. It takes a strong woman to be a complete mother to living children after losing one. There are times when you have to fake a smile when you are dying inside and then in the quiet of the night the guilt from the fakeness you shown sets in. An endless cycle we will always be in. I feel at most times like I am on a hamster wheel. Spinning and spinning and never able to jump off. Often times I wonder, what happens when I do get off? That thought is just as scary.

It is okay for you to be scared. Scared you will forget his face, laugh, voice, smile, quirks and all the things that made him yours. Even scared that one day you will get used to this pain. Scared that in your old age you will forget the memories you cherish dear. Scared for the children that are left behind. Scared that every move they make will be their last. Scared. Scared mixed with dread is now going to be with you always.

While all of this okay, it is also okay to find your way. TO FIND YOUR SMILE AGAIN. To find your laugh. To enjoy the sunshine. To enjoy the party. To enjoy the little things. To enjoy the big things. Nothing will be the same as it was ever again. But it is okay for you to try to find a bit of light in the darkness. A glimmer of hope. Hope and Faith is all we really have left. Hope that our children will get through this. Hope we will survive this. Faith that God will see us through. Faith that one day as we are bowing at our Savior’s feet, we will feel the hand of our child on our shoulder saying Mom!!!!!! Oh what a day that will be!

Please know that I am here for you. In heart, body and soul. I am a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, to sit in silence and to scream with you. You are not alone. You are now in the club that no Mother wants to be in. A club where you are not alone and the numbers are great.  You are now in the Broken Mother’s Club.

I love you and pray for you,

Belinda, Broken Mother since December 30, 2013

Dear Savannah,

Dear Savannah,

I sit here on the eve of your high school graduation thinking about the past almost 18 years. There is so much I want to say but words just escape me for once. I will start at the beginning.

You were a surprise baby. I had the two boys and wanted a girl. And I got one. My baby born on 6/14 weighing 6/14. You were bright eyed and happy. I do not ever really remember you crying a lot or being a difficult baby. But when you started walking was another story. There was nothing that you did not get into. You thought that you were just as big and strong as your brothers. Every where they went, you were right behind. Spiderman and GI Joe now had Barbie as a bride. I just wish you didn’t listen to everything they told you. Remember when Luke told you to stick a Lego up your nose and me and Aunt Angel spent the night at the ER with you? Remember Aunt Angel almost knocking the doctor out because she was mean to you?

When you started school you were something else! You kept the teachers on their toes from Pre-K to 12th grade. You got in trouble in Pre-K because the kids wouldn’t do anything unless you told them to. Remember when you got in trouble for smarting off and told the principal that she shouldn’t call me because I didn’t like her? I learned real quick to watch what I say around you. Everything you set your mind to, you accomplished. You went out for cheerleading and made the team every time. Four years of color guard with the last year as captain. Even with problems reading, you made good grades. I am proud of the way you did your best in all of your school career.

You have been through so much in your 17 years and have come out smiling and always doing all you can for others. You have lost your friends, a cousin and your brother way too young. You have seen the harsh way adults can act and handle life situations without thinking of the children. You have seen the ones you love most go away and never come back. You have seen the ones you love most choose others when it was the wrong thing to do. You have seen people that should be setting an example for you do the all the wrong things in life. Through it all, your head has been up and your determination stronger. And you learned how not to be as a person. I wish I was half as strong as you on a lot of this,

I know you think that I am hard on you. That I yell way too much. That I am stricter on you than the boys. That I do not love you as much as I do the boys. Yes, I was harder on you. You are my only daughter. I am still scared to death that you will make some of the wrong choices I made. All I want in my life is for you to do better and have better than I did or have. I do not want you to have to work and get little reward. I do not want you have to go through being young, broke and a mess full of kids like me and your Dad. (It was not a bad thing, just want you to be settled and secure.) Sometimes it is hard for me to show you the love that I think you deserve. I did not grow up in the best of home situations and I forget that I have to do better with you. Sometimes, I just do not know what to do so I do things the way I learned as a child. You think I do not trust you. I do. In fact, I trust you more than anyone else on this Earth. I just want to make sure you are safe and sound. You see, I only have one daughter. I only have one “girl child”. From you I will get the grandchildren I desire. From you, I will get the Mother/Daughter trips that I could not do when you were younger. From you you, I will get to see all the dreams that never came true for me, come true for you. These almost 18 years may have seemed like I did not love you or that I was an evil old Mom but in fact, they were years of protecting you in my own way. I am sorry for any hurt or pain that I may have brought to you. My biggest regret is not being a better Mom to you than I have been.

My Dear Daughter, I am very proud of you. You have exceeded all my wishes for you to this day. You love your family with a fiery passion. Your cousins are more like your brothers and sisters. You treat your friends as family. You protect me when I am weak. You are hard-working and never ask for a handout. When something needs to be done, you jump in without being asked. Your church family thinks you are one of the best young people around. You are an amazing sister and daughter. You are a smart, loving, stubborn, beautiful, caring and wondrous fire cracker! You are my hero.

My one wish for you and your future is for you to go further than I ever did. For you to have more than I ever did. You have already done more than I ever have. You have made me prouder than I ever thought possible. I want you to graduate tomorrow and then go on with all your dreams. I want you to be the best teacher you can be. I want you to have a dream life filled with all you desire. I want you to have a huge family with all the kids you can handle. I want you to be able to take your family on vacations that we never got to go on. My goal as a parent was to do better than mine did. I want you to go on and be better than I was. I only ask that you do what makes you happy and is good for God. That you remember God first in all you do. And that you remember your old Mom and let her come around and spoil the mess out of your kids. ( and to let me name a few of them)

My Favorite Daughter, I love you more than my own life and cannot wait to see what you do in the future!

Love You Every Day,

Mum!

My newborn baby

My newborn baby

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My Graduate

My Graduate

The etter L

I know, the tite is missing the etter L. I woke up this morning with so much on my mind and decided I woud come in here and write about a few things and send a few messages to people that I have been meaning to check on. Wel, you see, the darn L button on my laptop has decided to ony work when it wants to or when I press it realy hard. So, today’s post is brought to you by the letter L. (It just took me hitting that key 4 times to get an L)

You never know how frustrating one ittle letter is unti it doesn’t work. I ove to say, “ove ya” on facebook to famiy and friends. Ever tried to type LOL in a hurry when the button quits working? It comes out a pathetic OL. People have probably been wondering what is up with me. Especially my felow grammar policing brother Casey. We ove pointing out mistakes our sisters and friends make on facebook and in texts.

I know I could take a ittle more time and go back and fix al the words in this post. The screen is lit up ike a neon sign with all the spel check lines. But you know what, one thing I have learned since December 29, 2013………… WHO CARES?!? If my ife depends on the L button and fixing mistakes from it mot working right then my ife is not as meaningfu as it should be. The L button not working is the east of my worries in life. So if I OL on your post or text, laugh a ittle harder at it. If I ove you, smile a little bigger. And just so you know, I have had to work real hard at getting the capita etter L. I think I may ask Jeff and the kids for a new apto for my birthday! OVE YOU AL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

l