Flowers from Heaven

It has been a horrible few days! Beyond the daily hiccups in life, I have just been missing my Peanut so much. I just want to hear his laughter and footsteps one more time. And not on a video, in real life.

While walking the dog this morning, I walked over where me and Preston had started a late flower garden project months ago. About 2 months ago I found some old flower seed and me and Peanut just went outside and threw them around the tilled up area. And by throw I mean we literally just threw them by the handfuls randomly. These seeds has to have been at least two years old. No way were they going to grow but being the lover of all things floral, I couldn’t throw them away. As I got closer the patch and then I saw it. The prettiest red flower standing tall in the rain with little white ones coming up around it. How in the world after the cold and rain we have had could this flower have sprouted? And being old seeds at that???

I will tell you how. God’s timing. It was meant for me to misplace the seeds after I bought them. It was meant for me to find them when I did. It was meant for me and Peanut to throw them in the garden spot. It was meant to bloom now when God knee I needed some love from Peanut. A sweet little red flower sent at just the right time. God’s timing. And Peanut’s love.

Ecclesiastes 3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

I hate our friendship!!!

I have a best friend. And I hate our friendship.

I love my best friend more than she will ever know! And I hate our friendship.

The smallest, most intricate details of the way we became friends could only have been woven by God himself. And I hate our friendship.

I can tell her things I wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. And I hate our friendship.

She is my my life raft when I am sinking. And I hate our friendship.

I can’t imagine her not being in my life ever. And I hate our friendship.

We met because our boys died. And I hate our friendship.

We are friends because our hearts have been fractured forever. And I hate our friendship.

We would both trade our friendship to have our boys back in the blink of an eye. I hate we didn’t get to meet because our boys were friends here. I hate we didn’t meet under happier circumstances. I hate that we share a pain the is almost unbearable. I hate that we wonder if the boys are friends in heaven. I hate that I have come to love her son as my own yet I have never met him. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I wish beyond words we weren’t drawn together out of pain instead of joy. But I am so glad that with this pain she brings me joy. Even though I hate our friendship!

Grief Stage #482

I seem to have hit yet another stage in this grief journey. I don’t even know what you can call it. The “if he where here stage” or “he’s missing this stage”? Whatever you call it, for three weeks now I just cry every free moment alone I get.

It started when preparing for my sister’s wedding. She and Richie are only a few years apart and were more like siblings than aunt and nephew. The whole time all I could think of was how excited he would have been for her. I have no doubt he would have been a groomsman or fought to give her away. I try not to live in the thought of every second of the fact he is not here but during the ceremony and reception it was all I could think of.

I have been doing that in everything. Even little things like what I am cooking. I have picked up the phone to text him what is being fixed so many times lately. I have all but stopped cooking. A movie was coming on the other night and wanted to tell him to watch it. I hate when we have anything lately with family because I can feel his absence. I just keep thinking about what he would be doing. Would he be aggravating Lexie and Kane? Would he be teasing his Grandma? Would he have been yelling at the football game on TV with Jeff and his uncles? Is he missing out on everything that is happening here?

Yes, I know everyone says he is watching down from heaven and isn’t missing one thing but I find that hard to believe. The only thing that gives me comfort in him being gone is that he is in heaven. As I am lead to understand from studying the Word, in heaven there is singing, worship, serving, ruling, fellowship with others, eating. (Rev 15:3, 5:9, 22:3, 22:5, 2:17, 2 Tim 2:12, Matt 17:3) Richie is experiencing a life of fellowship with God (Rev 22:4), a life of rest (Rev 14:3), a life of service (rev 22:3), a life of growth ( Rev 22:2) and a life of worship (Rev 19:1). Why would he be looking down here at this messed up world? He is probably having such a glorious time with no worries of this world, sickness or trouble that he hasn’t thought of us. I am sure my Granny has gotten a good grip on him and is showing him off to everyone up there.

With all that being said, I am still mourning what he is missing but I am comforted by Richie rejoicing at the right hand of Jesus!

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Prayerful Friends

I actually started a post yesterday about prayer. I stopped in the middle when I got stumped and was messaging a friend of mine. Our conversation made me delete what I wrote.

My friend’s husband has been having some health issues lately. Since the start all she has asked for is prayers. Prayers is what she has gotten. It was looking like her husband was looking at major setbacks in his recovery. She asked for even more prayers. Which they got! Talking with her at the beginning of the day it was about bad health. Last night, she told me that one of the major hurdles was turning around! Prayers of thanks went up. She had thanked me earlier for praying for them. I found that to be silly to thank me for. We are good friends. Friends pray for and with each other. Truly prayerful friends that is.

I can tell you that I have surrounded myself with True Prayerful Friends. I know that if I am having a bad day with grief, I can reach out to my friends Tonya or Mrs. Laurie and prayers are said immediately. When I just need prayers of comfort and guidance, Melanie is the first one I reach out to. If I need prayers to help me watch my tongue, Misty is the one I call. When I just need a flooding of prayer, I send a mass text to the Ladies of my church. I know my new friend Sheryl is about one of the most faithful praying friends I have. When I am needing deep prayers and questioning my faith, I make a call to my pastor and his wife. I have others that I know really pray. I can feel prayers being said right when they are requested. I also know that these people along with a few others, are really gonna get to the business of praying.

I have changed from the praying person I was 18 months ago to the one I am now. Most of the time when people asked for prayer, I would wait until bedtime or when I remembered it. Now I pray immediately. I have failed so many people by using the phrase, “I will pray for you.” I would say it and then just go about my business and my life. It took seeing some of the small blessings in my life that came only after prayer from myself and others to see the real power in it. Real prayers. Sincere prayers. Now when I say I will pray for someone,it goes in a prayer book and it gets prayed on multiple times a day!

Are you a True Prayerful Friend? Or are you someone that feels comfort in just saying you will pray?

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If Jesus had a FaceBook…..

Scrolling through FaceBook this morning, I just had to shake my head a little. Some people had one post praising Jesus and in the next talking about “Turning up this weekend”. After scrolling a little more, I see a post that says I have to share this picture of Jesus to be blessed. Then another where I will be denying Jesus if I do not share. It just got me to thinking what would happen if I didn’t share and tag 10 of my friends? Am I going to all of sudden have worse luck than I already do? I didn’t share the other one, so I guess I must not be blessed anymore. Funny, I haven’t found that part in the Bible yet. Gonna have to make a point to ask Charles about that in Bible Study Wednesday.

The people who in their posts of partying Jesus on Friday and Saturday and then praising the Lord on Sunday made me just want to pray for them. Looking back on my TimeHop, I can see where I had times like those. Almost as if you are in a battle of self. You want to good so that you get that foot into heaven. Yet, you want to drink and dance it up with the band on weekends. Maybe it is just older age, stronger faith or more knowledge in the Word that makes me question this.

After scrolling more, I realize it wasn’t just that young girl. There were older people posting that they needed prayers for the headache they had from the night of partying before. But this all just gets me to one question? If Jesus had a FaceBook would you send him a friend request? Would you accept a friend request from him? Would you think that by sharing a picture of him that you are golden in his eyes? Would you be ashamed of that picture you posted with the foul language and funny saying about what Monday can do with itself? What about that pic with the hand gesture? Or maybe that one pic where you are posing for a selfie in your underwear?

I know I am not perfect but I try my best everyday to do the right things, study my bible, pray and thank him. Gonna ask though if I have lost my spot in heaven for not sharing a picture. And by the way, the only bad thing that has happened to me today since not sharing a picture with ten of my friends was a stumped toe when running to answer the phone. Was it bad luck for not reposting or just a poorly placed chair? I am not sure what it was but sharing what I learned in church Sunday with the person on the other end of the call made it better!

P.S. I will not be sharing the pictures of Jesus for luck, but I will talk to you about him anytime for your salvation!

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In All Things Give Thanks

Last Sunday in church, our Pastor preached from 1 Thessalonians 5:18. “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” I have read this many times. (Actually the whole chapter deserves a good read if you haven’t yet.) One of my favorite chapters in the bible. I have watched all this month as people put their 30 days of thanks on Facebook. I have done this in the past but this year, I just could not do it. I could not just bring myself to allow only 30 days of what I am thankful for. I spend every prayer I pray, thanking God for what I still have. I have lost so much since that horrible day last December. If there is anything that I have learned, it is to be thankful to what you have now, every single day. You never know how long you are going to have it. Even on the darkest of my days in grief, there is something to give thanks for. Even if it just being able to live another day. Do we thank God enough for all he has given us? Or do we just spend time asking for what he hasn’t?
I am thankful for so much. I am thankful first that God has been with me this year and led me to where I need to be. I am thankful that even though I am not perfect, he still loves me. I am thankful for my husband and children who love me unconditionally. I am thankful for Krista who has taught me more than I could ever teach her. I am thankful for my family who has been my backbone and support. I am thankful for my church family that has become my heart. I am thankful for our friends that know just when we need them. I am thankful that I have been able to be a Mom for 21 years. I am thankful that I have Kaelyn Faith who I think was sent to us to be a light of hope for the ones grieving. I am thankful that I have found my path and that it will help others. I am thankful to be able to help others because in the end, it is helping me just as much. I am just thankful to have another day to be thankful.
I pray each morning and thank God for letting me see another day. I pray thanks throughout the day of all the little things. At night I pray thanks that my family was safe and sound another day and that we are all under one roof. “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
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Worry About Nothing

Last Friday started downhill from the moment all of our house got out of bed. Let me start over… It actually started the night before when we were in the ER for yet another knee injury on the girl child. (We averaged a few of these a year with her.) Nothing big, just sprained it severly coming across home plate. So I had to get her to school the next day since she couldn’t drive. After picking up her boyfriend, the fuel pump decided to crap out on the Rodeo at one of the busiest 4-way stops in the county. My Sis-in-Law took the kids to school and I waited for the Husband. While waiting, the Sis-in-Law came back and sat with me and we got to catch up. Husband arrives and we arrange for a tow truck. So I head home to finish getting ready. You see, Will and I had to be in Norcross to pick up some things for the next day’s memorial concert. So Will, Husband and the tow truck get back to the house and it is time for the next adventure.
Girl Child texts and says she left stuff in the Rodeo she needed so we head, 10 miles the other way to get them to her and low and behold, the key to the car we are in decides to come apart! THe silver part was in the ignition and the black part with all the buttons was in my hand. Apparently, they had to be together for the car to start! Will and I figure it out and get it fixed enough to come home to get the last running vehicle in the yard. We set off now! We get to Norcross and back without any more incidents!
Now to get ready and wait for that night’s football game and senior night. The night was to be the last night we had one of my babies on the field. While getting ready and waiting on husband to come home, he calls. “I am on the side of the road.” He was defeated! (Did I mention Boy Child gt out of work and his tires were flat? So technically now down 4 cars) I in a cheery voice tell him to not worry, we are on the way. He was very upset and defeated. His friend ended up bringing him home and I told him to quickly change clothes and put a smile on! He looked at me and said.”How can you be so cheerful! It is really making me mad. This is a horrible day. One of the worst.” I smiled and said,” This is far from the worst day we have ever had, Not even in our top 3 or 5. We are all still standing and breathing. WE may be out of cars but they can be fixed. We have never went without before. Worry about nothing, pray for everything.” I was answered with a snarl.
What else was I to say to him? I have learned that nothing that happens can defeat us. We have been through the worst. Shy of losing one of my other 2 kids, Nothing is ever that bad. In fact everything as long as we are healthy and alive is marvelous! The cars can be fixed. And if they can’t, we will get new ones! Money troubles, who cares! We have never been without a roof over our heads or food in our bellies. We have always been warm and safe. Worry about nothing, pray for everything.
I think he just doesn’t understand that the car breaking down that morning kept us out of a traffic accident on the interstate, Could have been us involved. The 2nd car messing up at the school kept us from getting 1 1/2 hours away and it doing it. I thanked God for keeping us safe. I thanked him for allowing us to all be able to see stand beside Girl Child on the field for Senior Night. That night when I said the prayers before bed, I thanked him for everything! Every single thing down to the waffle fries at lunch. And guess what? The Lord has provided, the cars are being fixed and all is well. We may be out a few hundred dollars but what is money when we still have each other?!!!!!
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A Little Monkey Told Me…..

I have this special little girl in my life. I have called her my Monkey from the time she was just a little bitty thing cooing at me. To say I love this little Monkey is an understatement. She has always been my best friend and just like one of my own children since the day I laid eyes on her. You know how you can just sense that there is something special about someone? Well, she has it. Whatever it is. Let me tell you what she taught me Monday.

It is no secret that lately I have been having a rough time in my journey of grief. I cry more and just have no desire to do a whole lot. I have tried to keep the tears and the sadness hidden from people, especially Monkey. See, she has been hit with double loss within a year. Her favorite cousin and her brother. That’s a lot for a six year old. Well, Monday I picked her up from school and greeted her with the usual I missed you! She looked at me and said, “Are you okay?” I answered yes and she called me out real quick. She said that I didn’t look it. I told her I was just missing Richie. And then this little Monkey set me straight. Here is what she told me.

“MumMum, God has plans for each person. He knows before we are ever born who our Mommies and Daddies are. He knows who our brothers and sisters are. He knows when we are going to be born and everything we will do for our whole lives. Everything we do, God knows before we do it. God also knows when we are going to die. He knows that before we are ever even born. He knew when Richie was going to die and how. He knew when Johnathan was going to die and how. He knew when my Mommie’s Momma was going to die and how. He knew I wouldn’t get to meet her until I get to heaven. If me and you get in a bad wreck right now and we live, if someone says “you are lucky you didn’t die”, they are wrong because God knew we weren’t supposed to. God knows what our life is for and nobody else. And that is why we have to live a good life while we have it and make him proud. So don’t be sad because Richie is gone, God had to have him back home like he did Johnathan.”

Now after hearing this, I was speechless and tears were flowing. This little girl who we are supposed to be teaching and guiding is the one teaching and guiding us! I asked her where she learned all this. She just looked at me and said, “A little from church and a little because it is what Jesus wanted me to know.” I did not feel the need to ask her if Jesus had told her directly or if she meant she had learned it somewhere. I think that is for her to cherish. But either way, this little girl taught me so much in her little speech to me. I have heard people and preachers say parts of this for over 10 months now, but coming from a 6 year old drove it into my heart.

Thank God for putting this little Monkey in my life!

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God’s Timing

I slept horrible last night and was in a horrible way this morning. I had sat down to start a post on how I was angry at the world. While writing it, I received a call from my new friend Debbie. What she had to say was what I had been needing and wanting. So now, that entry is saved for me to finish on a day when I am angry again and you will get this one.

Since, I lost my son, I have paid a lot more attention to the way things happen in my life. I used to take events, people and life around me for granted. Now, I put more thought into it. Here is what I have learned. The things I need most come in God’s time. Not mine. This has been rough for me learning to live without my son. I have replayed every moment of 20 years of life with him. I have replayed the months before his death. I have replayed all the events after his death. Since his death, I have had days were I am just wanting to throw in the towel. Just get in my bed and not come out until I feel like it, if ever. Every single time I have decided to do that, God brings something to me. Whether it be a letter from one of the recipients. A sermon or bible study from Brother Charles that hits home. A family member needing my help. One of our many children, family members or friends needing something and me running off to help. A verse that jumps out at me when I open the Bible to a random page. Or it be a text or a phone call that just brightens my day. Sometimes it is the red bird that has taken up residence here since the day of my son’s passing. Here lately it is good news from people I have never met that brings me out of depression. No matter what it is or where it comes from, it comes in GOD’S time.

I know that I will still have worries and sadness, but I am slowly not afraid of them anymore. I am no longer trapped by the feeling of this unbearable weight on my chest. While I worry and feel deep sorrow, God will give me the answers I need when he knows I need them most. Or when I am ready to receive them and can open my heart enough to fully appreciate them. No matter when they come, or how they come, I always make sure that I praise the Lord above for sending them. I just hate and regret that it took my son leaving this Earth for me to open my eyes to the things around me. And most importantly, the power of God.

Behold, your house is forsaken (abandoned, left to you destitute of God’s help)! And I tell you, you will not see Me again until the time comes when you shall say, Blessed (to be celebrated with praises) is He Who comes in the name of the Lord! Luke 13:35

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