2019, You Are Going Down

What a year! What a past 6 years! Better yet, what a past 45 years! Years that have been filled with many joys but far greater lows, sadness and burdens. I have had almost two weeks off work and I have used this time to really reflect on my life.

Is this life that I continue to live day in and day out the life I want to take into 2020? Do I want to take this life with me until I take my last breathe? Do I want to keep waking up in the same groundhog’s day cycle and going to sleep fighting tears for the things I wish I would have done or things that I wish would have happened?

Then I question, do I deserve that life I want? From the outside, my life looks perfect. I have two wonderful kids that adore me as much as I adore them, a precious newborn granddaughter, a husband that works hard and come home every night, a job that I love and want to make my lifelong career and amazing family and friends. But why am I so empty? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so sad when not with my children? Why do I feel like I need something more? Why do I go to bed each night feeling as if my day was a waste?

I know most of the answers are as simple as I have conformed to the environment around me. When I am at work, I feel like I can do anything. I can multitask and handle anything. I can get something done at the last minute with time to spare. I am sharp. I am on it. When I am with my kids, I am all about them. I am so focused on what they are saying, doing and hanging onto their every word or breathe. I fuss over them. I pamper them. I jump when they even whisper my name. I am supermom.

But when work and children are not around, I am sullen and blank faced. Why is that? I’ll tell you why, I have become so accustomed to doing nothing unless I make the plans, arrangements and details that if no one has made plans, I just sit. When did this happen? I have always been the one with the hair done, clothes just right, nails done and from head to toe just working it. When did I stop exercising and hiking? No I sit staring at a tv, book or phone letting the weight take over. When did I stop visiting my friends? When did I start saying “one day I will” instead of “today I will”? When did I become this person I do not know?

I can’t be this person anymore. I can’t wake up another day and look in the mirror and see this stranger. I have to get my happy back. I need to get my groove back. I need to find the joy I had that radiated out of me. It is scary for me. I know there are some people that I am going to have to leave in 2019. I know there are people that will have to evolve with me or be let go. I deserve to be happy, loved and adored. Not by just people, but by myself.

Look out 2020, Belinda is taking you and making you her B*#¥$!!!!! I am going to do what makes me happy! I am going to be the old me! I am not waiting on others to decide they want to join me. I will not be stuck in a cell phone and ignore this wonderful world! I will live. I will make memories. I will work my ass off at work. I will spoil my kids even more. I am going to be me. The best me I can be. Ready, Set…… GOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mommy O’ Mommy

I miss my Mommy. All the reasons that I have told myself this year to make her death easier are now steaming piles of cow pies. She is no longer in pain. After losing my son and grandson, I told myself that now she has her boys again! She is no longer grieving! Now she is up in heaven with my Granny, Grandpa and her three grandsons! And better yet, for once in my life, this is the natural order of existence. Burying your parent, not parent burying child.

Truth is, I need my Mom right now. I need to be able to talk to her. To tell her what is troubling me in my life. Tell me how to fix some problems I am having in my little family. To give me her unfiltered opinion on where some people can go and rot, then tell me that if I hate I am not getting into heaven. That was my Mom. She would rip someone into shreds if they hurt one of her girls feelings and tell us about the fire and brimstone of hell if we did the same. I need my Mommy to tell me that someone I am so worried about is going to be fine. I need her to tell me that people can change their ways. I need her to tell me she is proud of me for taking a new path for myself. I need her to tell me that I am spoiling my kids. I need her to tell me that Harper is the most beautiful blue eyed little girl! I need her to tell me Maggie is not a child she is a horse dog. I need her to tell me to slow down when I drive. I need her to ask me if I am hungry. I need her to tell me what Victor is doing now on Y & R. I just really need my mom to pick up the phone and tell me she loves me.

I thought I could be the big girl she raised me to be but I am not. I am a mess. I have things I want to talk only to her about and she is not here. My best friend is watching her Mom slip to the other side. I want to be able to tell her all the things people told me to make me feel better. But they are words and they don’t help. It is horrible.

One day, out of the blue when you think your day is going to be okay, a thought will brush lightly across your soul and you will crumble. Mine was when cleaning out the greenhouse. When I got I my greenhouse I planted so many herbs! Not one came up. Not one single sprout. Mom told me I didn’t hold my tongue right. A few days before I was crying on the way home from work and told her just send me one sign, any little thing that she was watching over me and my brood. While cleaning out the greenhouse, after being planted 8 months before, there I find 2 pots full of cilantro! I thought “Oh she is watching me!” I brought them into the house to repot and put in the windowsill. Then I picked up the phone to call and tell her. I broke. She is gone. I can’t call her.

I just need my precious, beautiful, funny and amazing Mommy. For just one more day. One more day!

UGH! Some Women!

Yesterday I posted on the blessing of a prayerful friend! Today I just have to vent over “friends” that are just the opposite.

We all have them in our lives. The friend that has done everything bigger and better. I have one that when she saw that I love to write and had started blogging, all of a sudden came out of the closet as a writer. I was not looking to her for praise over my writings, I had looked to her for guidance on if I should be sharing them like I do. Guidance I did not receive but I did get to hear all about how she has wrote blogs, books and magazine articles but “never published” them.

Then I have the a friend that I shared with her some of the hardships I went through as a child and how I was trying to reconcile them. She all of a sudden shared with me how her struggle was so much bigger and grander. She apparently even had to walk to school barefoot in the 2 foot of snow when she lived in South Florida. I got that story after I shared with her how we went without power at times because of my Father’s drug addiction.

How about the friend that is always sicker than you? Or their family has had scarlet fever, monkey pox, yellow fever, bubonic plague and leprosy all because you said your house was passing around a stomach virus. Why one up sickness????????

Women that just can’t let you share a life moment and be supportive. They have to find a negative. Or say you only got it because of this or that. I had one lady who is no longer in my circle say I was only getting support because I had a child die.

I have a “friend’ right now that I am really struggling with. She is constantly talking about the way her kids could die. Constantly telling me how she doesn’t want them to die like my son. Truthfully, I think she is sickly jealous that this is a struggle she can’t make up. Death of a child is nothing to brag about or covet!

So what I guess I am wanting to know is….. Why is it so hard for women to just be happy for each other? Why can we not celebrate in others joy and accomplishments without backlash? Why do we feel the need to one up? There is a big difference in sharing life experiences and testimonies and being a snarky jerkwad! As I was reading my bible this morning, I read in Proverbs 14:30, “A sound heart is the life of the flesh:But envy the rottenness of the bones.” Why do women envy?

Yes, I know at times we ponder why the blessing is happening to the other person when we have been praying for our own. That is human nature and self. I have learned one thing and that is that we will get the blessing when it is our time. When a friend receives a blessing and shares, I pray thanks for them. When a friend is sharing a struggle, I listen, give advice if I can and pray for them. If I have been through a harder yet similar trial, I share it in a way of love. If a friend tells me how their child won the spelling bee, I do not one up them by saying my child got first place at the science fair.

I have been holding back on sharing things with people that are supposed to be closest to me because I am scared of the disappointment I will receive from their response.I have even stopped sharing things with family because I no longer feel the love of each others lives. No longer do I shout praises of thanks because most are not thankful with me. I have once again tightened my circle to the women that uplift me, support me and are just filled with unbiased love.

Remember: Women should lift other women up. Women should love and pray for others even when it seems unfair!

Tuesdays with Morrie

As I said, this summer I will be spending my time reading. I have now read almost all of Mitch Albom’s books. I wanted kinda of review or say a little something about each one. I do not think it will be so much as a review but as the feelings each book gave me. When you lose a child and then read books that speak of death, afterlife and such, it makes you think beyond the story. Remember this is the view point of a housewife/babysitter that mainly gets to read when in the bath, on the toilet or nap time. If I am lucky during a movie or at bedtime.

So I started with Tuesdays with Morrie. I have heard it referenced in many TV shows and when I found it in goodwill, I picked it up to see what all the fuss was about. I started with reading the inside cover and found that this was a “true story”. It is about his college professor Morrie Schwartz and his battle with ALS. He visits him every Tuesday for weeks until Morrie’s last day. Morrie shares with him the wisdom he has gathered throughout his full life.

The book is filed with pearls of wisdom. On how to deal with living, loving and dying. How to be a decent human being. How to relate to others on an emotional level. I could fill this blog with my favorite quotes from the book but I absolutely recommend that you read it yourself. You will get much more out of the book by reading it than looking at a few lines from it.

This book made me think long after putting it down. What if we knew we were going to die? What would you do? What wisdom would I have to pass on to my loved ones? Have the things I have done in my life mattered enough that someone would want to visit me every Tuesday until I died? It really makes you of the meaning of your life and how you have impacted others thus far. I have sat and thought of the things that I could say to others. I could give advice on parenting in divorce. How not to totally crumble in the death of a child.How to overcome having a loveless Father. How to make the absolute best strawberry cake you will ever eat. But is that enough? Is that what people will want to hear from me? And who would visit me? Will it be a family member childhood friend or someone I met along the way? Have I been the best me I can be to where I would have droves of people wanting to see me one last time?

This book is more than sharing the life lessons from a truly remarkable man. One that I feel like I have missed out on. It is a book that make you think about your life. How you have impacted others. And the biggest of all, have you learned anything of value to pass on to others.

I give this book more than two thumbs up or five stars. I think every school should make the senior class read it and study it. I think every parent should read it and learn from it. I just want everyone to read this book.

A Little Monkey Told Me…..

I have this special little girl in my life. I have called her my Monkey from the time she was just a little bitty thing cooing at me. To say I love this little Monkey is an understatement. She has always been my best friend and just like one of my own children since the day I laid eyes on her. You know how you can just sense that there is something special about someone? Well, she has it. Whatever it is. Let me tell you what she taught me Monday.

It is no secret that lately I have been having a rough time in my journey of grief. I cry more and just have no desire to do a whole lot. I have tried to keep the tears and the sadness hidden from people, especially Monkey. See, she has been hit with double loss within a year. Her favorite cousin and her brother. That’s a lot for a six year old. Well, Monday I picked her up from school and greeted her with the usual I missed you! She looked at me and said, “Are you okay?” I answered yes and she called me out real quick. She said that I didn’t look it. I told her I was just missing Richie. And then this little Monkey set me straight. Here is what she told me.

“MumMum, God has plans for each person. He knows before we are ever born who our Mommies and Daddies are. He knows who our brothers and sisters are. He knows when we are going to be born and everything we will do for our whole lives. Everything we do, God knows before we do it. God also knows when we are going to die. He knows that before we are ever even born. He knew when Richie was going to die and how. He knew when Johnathan was going to die and how. He knew when my Mommie’s Momma was going to die and how. He knew I wouldn’t get to meet her until I get to heaven. If me and you get in a bad wreck right now and we live, if someone says “you are lucky you didn’t die”, they are wrong because God knew we weren’t supposed to. God knows what our life is for and nobody else. And that is why we have to live a good life while we have it and make him proud. So don’t be sad because Richie is gone, God had to have him back home like he did Johnathan.”

Now after hearing this, I was speechless and tears were flowing. This little girl who we are supposed to be teaching and guiding is the one teaching and guiding us! I asked her where she learned all this. She just looked at me and said, “A little from church and a little because it is what Jesus wanted me to know.” I did not feel the need to ask her if Jesus had told her directly or if she meant she had learned it somewhere. I think that is for her to cherish. But either way, this little girl taught me so much in her little speech to me. I have heard people and preachers say parts of this for over 10 months now, but coming from a 6 year old drove it into my heart.

Thank God for putting this little Monkey in my life!